Strength and Striving

I know that I write about Autism a lot on here, but it is what we as a family live through everyday. I think that educating other people is a very important part of helping Colin get through this challenge. So bear with me as I vent and compare, just a little more.

My mom gave me the book "Louder than Words" by Jenny McCarthy when I was home for Christmas. She had read it and really wanted me to read it. I am just now getting the chance to read a few pages at a time and am really enjoying it.

Colin was diagnosed with severe autism in July, however I truly believe in my heart and my motherly instinct that it is closer to moderate. Evan suffers from the severe spectrum. The book starts out with her finding Evan seizing in his crib. The F word is used in about every other sentence, but being a parent that has found a child blue in their crib, I believe that she didn't use it enough! Anyways, Colin is so lucky that he doesn't suffer from the seizures that commonly come with autism, or the finger/arm flapping.

One thing that keeps me up at night is why I didn't see it sooner. She said she wondered the same thing. When I look back at when Colin was a baby, we thought it was cute that he stared at the ceiling fan for hours. I didn't realize that playing with the wheels on toys was inappropriate play. I didn't know that his aversion to certain clothing was because he literally hurt when it touched his skin. Makes you feel like a bad parent for not noticing, but I try to keep in mind that Colin was my first and autism even a few years ago wasn't hitting the news. Who knew?

As Colin got older his behavior took a major turn towards violent when Morgan was born. The worst being when he slapped me across the face in the middle of a restaurant. My sister and mom couldn't believe what they had just witnessed. I was shocked, hurt, and didn't understand why he was behaving this way. Little did I know, Colin was regressing majorly with his vocabulary and couldn't tell me that he wanted to sit down, or leave, or didn't want grilled cheese that day. It was his way of getting my attention. I had put it to the fact that I had brought another human being into his life and he wasn't going to get mommy and daddy 24 hours a day anymore.

I still have guilt, confusion, and wondering what I did when he was inutero. It doesn't really matter how many people tell you that it isn't your fault, as a mom, you feel it, you live it, and you watch as other people stare at your child and wonder what his problem is. That is hard. I think we are only at the beginning of this too. Colin doesn't realize yet that he is different. I still cry when I think about when he is older and the kids will make fun of him. Even if he wasn't autistic, kids are cruel and they will make fun of everyone.

But, Colin is resilent. He is a fighter. He is beyond smart. (He totally kicks butt in Rock Band by the way!) He knows his directions, how to spell his name, counting, letters, and is getting pretty good about sharing his toys when he is playing. I look at all the little things and cheer in my mind. Like when he looks at me, without prompting, and says "Mommy, I luv ou" That melts me. (Colin is in speech right now to help with obtaining a bigger vocabulary and properly pronunciation of words)

Colin has come so far and has major jumps and leaps to go, but we are right behind him all the way!